forsaken

How can I feel forsaken even when the world surrounds me? How can I feel forsaken, is there someone abandons and leaves me? When Thou look up the sky morning, be sure that so many thing never said by stars to the night passing by. So do I feel, now. But, how can I feel so forsaken? Even myself never know why. One question for myself: who I am in front of You? I just know there is something stranger entering my life, suddenly. A perfect stranger, maybe. So I don’t know what is the stranger call? I can’t define it, and I wouldn’t define it. Let it, the stranger within me, stay undefined. May it would made it so mistery, so sacred, untouch.

Ah, let me speak another matters. The smile of dawn arrived early on May, like few days last. In every woke up of me, I see to east so far away. In the distance, I saw the shadow of someone, a woman, walk alone under the orange sky of dawn. She walks alone, no one beside her. But I don’t know who is she? I just seeing her shadow, no more.

Then, I take the time to think reflectively, to take contemplation for a few minute. I ask nothing, ”why life too often made me so sad, made me sorrow?” Nights ago shed my tears, tell me of sorrow, tell me of fear, tell me of pain, and tell me of everything was made me never outgrow anymore. Years ago, as a child, I thought I could live without pain, without sorrow, without sadness. But now, as a man, I've found it's all caught up with me. I'm asleep yet I'm so afraid. I think, the life was pour out all of its blackness and grey to me. But, in the other moment, I was told myself, there is miracle for each day that I try. I was told myself, there is a new love that is born for each one that was gone.

About my four habit. First, I’ve always found liquid shadows silence in my dreams. Second, I’ve always found solid wills turbulence in my wake. Then, third, I always smile at the moon, chasing water from the sky, and I argue with the grey clouds that stealing beauty from my eyes. And then, fourth and the last, outside the soundness and the weakness of my mind, I always bathing my soul in silver tears, tears of my happiness and sadness, wish I’ll find so much meaningful seconds to make me so much more strong to live this life until I die, later.

Alone, I staring my fate and my life. Years ago, and years next (if I still alive), I was and will always seeking something, or, maybe, so many thing. But, just for few day next, may I’ll stay forsaken, I’ll stay to waiting for someone. But, I don’t know, is she knowing this? Will she takes any understanding for and to me?

But, who I am in front of Thou? Even myself unable to define it. But I’ll never surrender, I promise myself to (ah, I can’t tell about it, here and now) … Hei, You, somebody made me so longing, ever You seeing the wind blews up a feather, brings it to flies alone and free, dancing in the blue days? Hei, You, ever You think about how the sky gives every children so many dream, so many hope, and so many smile? Ah, may You can’t believe me, may You consider me as a boast, as a big-illusion man, or a man with the chronic delusions. But, I hope, with all of my seriousness, You’ll never hate this note, absolutely, and You’ll never feel so bored to visit this room …

Ah, I’m sorry. May I’m too whine behind You, may I’m too childish before You …

Thanks for the direct and indirectly support that You gave to me to learn and to try writing in english as well as possible.

Thanks a lot for Your attentions, enjoy Your days there, and see You next time (I wish so much) …

Me, here, alone,

May 06-07, 2008, through a midnight around me …